My 22.4 year old youngest enrolled in college, for what would be his last semester! Might I say, this is a yelpy' "hurrah" moment for me, though in turn there's also that mommy horror rub-a- dub' fear of an absurd grim chance he would flunk a subject - a cuckoo possibility far remote as Timbuktu' because his grades have been historically above par since shifting to Media Studies from Accounting, whew! Plus, my loves know what a classic hissy fit La Diva' Mama is capable of when her sensitivities are trifled with, hehehehe! :D
So there, with my eldest just graduated and the youngest on his way, I patiently endure my soggy' flared sinuses, smile and bow in exhaled gratefulness for the lot I have in this mindful, change charged moment smack in the middle of a 40's mid-life!
Do I worry? Yes! Do I worry? Yes! Do I worry? Yes! I am the granted "Queen of Worrydom" currently, as I grind my mind (yes, I can) trying to divine a perfect future for the boys; a future where no unsound choices are made, no calculating jerks are met. If this mother may, for them I vouchsafe simply exact smooth transitions from one level of professional success to another, leveling up to unmitigated bliss of sound familial glory, until (finally) crowned philanthropic brilliance. Suave.
Survival. Success. Significance. BUT, without the caustic arduous messy struggling stumbling crusty pain filled parts. Cosmeticized photoshopped existence (?) Quite subhuman, really. How imprudent of me to think it.
If I could only live their lives for them, side-stepping wrong decisions, plucking ripe worthy aspirations to grant at the end of it all, the fullness of their life's true meaning..then I would. Because, right now when I gaze at them young at the cusp of beginnings, I live my life in sentimental retrospect pin-pointing exactly my gains, salutes, strengths, victories, as well, as the thudding faults, groping blunders and downright errors I had to grapple with. Like the "Oracle" in the "Matrix" I want them to be the "One". I want to reveal the "path". What a foolhardy' fallacious aspiration, for there isn't any super power for me to give or grant. They have to make for themselves what they are and walk what road they choose to pave. Very much the way it was and is for me.
Awhile ago, one of them asked what my "goal" in life is. He followed it by saying his goal is to be able to help the "less fortunate"....
My goal is what it has always been since I've decided to be a mother. To be as a significant lighthouse...inviolable...weatherbeaten perhaps, but ever reliant in sunshine, enduring in storms, imperishable in tremor and gracefully standing in calm. I may pursue varied "interests" - but they are not goals. I only have one life on this plane. I am Lady Prism..my life purpose is iconic... I am an encompassing beam and a forever light ( my children) that's yours.
I'll be watching you.